The Search for Clarity…what a futile shot

 

Amidst the muddled mess of catchy tunes, idle thoughts, mixed emotions, and overused phrases she searched for clarity.  She craved a moment where it all stopped—just one second of peace among chaos.  “Can I ever just stop thinking?” she wondered.  She wanted so badly to know what it would feel like to have a head full of silence—to make her skull into an empty room where she could toss whatever she chose inside and watch it bounce off the walls.  “There I go thinking again,” she thought.  She gazed with jealous eyes on those she considered simple minded.  She wondered if their minds were really so simple after all.  Maybe their brains housed the same chaotic mess as hers.  “Probably not,” she concluded. 

Was it really worth it to be such a deep thinker?  The voices of her teachers and mentors throughout the years resounded through her head.  “Thinkers change the world.”  “Not everyone thinks in color—it’s a gift.”  “You can’t change who you are.  You’re bound for greatness and there’s nothing you can do about it.”  But what if she never got out of her own head?  What if she just stayed there like a prisoner held captive by her own thoughts?  She’d once confessed that she thought she’d go crazy if she had to spend one more day inside her own head.  Her comment was reciprocated with several confused, slightly frightened stares.   This is how she knew she wasn’t normal. 

Yet, most people seemed to view her lack of normalcy not as a concern, but rather, an asset.  Most days it didn’t feel like an asset—more like a curse.  She just wanted to be like everyone else.  She was certain there wasn’t a person in the world who didn’t long to be like everyone else, which was absurd because everyone else just longed to be like them.  However absurd, it still felt nice to wish it.  It felt nice to do something that didn’t make sense—to just act without reason in however miniscule a way.  And so, to get through the day, with everything in her, she declared (to herself and anyone who might be listening), “I just want to be like everyone else,” but all the while she knew it couldn’t be further from the truth.

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~ by Maranda on April 11, 2007.

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